Religious "Degeneration"

 

 April 11

My degeneration: How could it be? I told Tonya: religion is meaning less 2 me, not because I'm thinking it over and rejecting it as unsound but because I just don't think about it. I'm lazy. 

The first things that are going are those parts of the religion that mean the most to me: I haven't gone to Confession when I really believe it has merit and a definite value & yet I'm scrupulously careful not to eat meat during Lent.

? What the hell? (So to speak.)

 

 

April 21

I'm clenching up. Those two C grades really knocked my socks off. Fear. And I stand in my messy room, finding assignments I had forgotten about.

Did I tell you? A week ago tonight, I went to Farley Mass & met Michele after. I cut half her hair and when I couldn't go on, petrified and so sorry, I was amazed she wasn't upset. We went to Shirley's for french fries & then back home. (Mary Perry was in Vegas.) I played all my Rickie Lee Jones for her, we looked at photos, and talked about last year. 

And we read my diary, this book. Michele said it was good, she said it would probably get published, she wanted to get it published after I died. But Misha is always liberal with praise (maybe why she has so many friends, Dianne too -- what is this hostility I feel from people, my imagination? Or do I go around w/a scowl on my face?) This is what happens when the camera on a movie set turns around and films the back of the set, the lights, the crew. I'm acknowledging what I'm doing, or at least trying to do. Transparency.

Later. It seems so obvious 2 me now. Last summer was special, special, special & I don't want to mes up the memories, so I didn't keep in touch with Jeff, Lauren, or Mr. Ed.

And again: It's the cruelest, most unfair line in all music: Ooh sister, love, it's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away.              Compare that with Bruce & Rickie's realism: You feel real pretty when he's holding you tight. You ain't a beauty but ay you're alright.         Oh, when the music is here with me alone in my room, being lonely in the most beautiful, the best, good aching, sweet, sweet tears. Not cold & bitter & ugly.

April 22

Allen -- why I love to smile when I see him, at him. Because I want to show him he didn't can't take advantage of me. 

Finally finished a letter 2 Brett, then opened the envelope again to add some more. I sent it off in a cloud of doubt? unsureness? trailing things I could, should have said. Bad, bad, bad, his letters breed hope, that sick, crippled, twisted, ugly little beast.

Remembering Prom, the 27th. Oh Greg. I'm not over him. He can still make me smile and make me angry with the injustice of it all so much. 

April 27

Oh what a great time. An Tostal has been great. Yesterday, Friday, there were bands on the quad, the Dating Game & comics & loudmouth contests after classes, then a French dinner & a concert (more people on stage than in the audience.) Recess turned into a wild frenzied orgy, then we danced on the quad to the Lav and then to Joe's for Snapps & Koolaid & videos.

This morning I was going to study but when I got to the picnic, I couldn't so Diane & Joe & I ran into the mud pits. People were stopping cars & putting mud all over them & pulling people out & throwing them in. We washed off in the lake and after I showered at Diane's, I drove to the mall for a perm. Tonight was a comedy show.

My legs are scraped up, my cheeks are sunburned.

 

May 2

Jim & I went to the Morris Inn for dinner tonight. I had such a great time, we were there for a couple of hours. Taking was easy. And I didn't mind anything -- I didn't care what anyone thought about what we were talking about or using the wrong silverware and plates. Who cares? I smiled, driving home and singing, content.