Spring, 1985

 

May 4

Oh Ron is getting married! And her name is Nancy, would you call that irony? Shit, I want them to be happy. I am a wretch, but I couldn't help thinking when I found out "wait a minute! How long have you known each other? Aren't you rushing into this?" Why do I think these things when he sounded so happy, when Mom & Dad were so pleased? She's so nice, though, she doesn't deserve to be hurt, to be made miserable. Great, another delicate relationship to be anxious about. (Mom & Dad, praise the Lord, I've never had to worry about over)

Well, it will be a Presbyterian wedding. Poor Nancy -- weddings are the most stressful of all days -- they can be nightmares. All that responsibility. Oh I hope her family are good in PR. Oh I hope it's a small wedding.

I guess I could be very sad because of the fun we had -- Look, I'm crying! -- but remember when Ron pulled me on a rope on skis down the frozen street? Remember ice skating? Remember playing soccer until my green pants were covered with mud? Remember the awful arguments? Remember the drive to look at the used car for sale? Remember fishing at Lake Jacomo? Remember "yeah, I beat the holy piss out of this car"? Remember him coming in my room to turn the channel on the radio -- "listen, this is the best song." 

Yeah, I love him. Yeah, I'll miss him like hell.

May 8

STRESS! But I just think, in a few days it'll all be over & then party time! I'm really looking forward to free time. Core & Theo finals tomorrow -- yeah! they'll be out of the way!

Everyday I look for a letter from Brett and feel relieved when there isn't one. He said he was going home the 4th. Of course it would be a quick twinge of pleasure, feeling cared for, but the freedom is sweeter -- Set me free, dear.

This is what I am going to do: I will be a teacher. I can't reconcile myself with anything else - UNTRUE! Actually, it's what I can reconcile my CGC and my selfness (you know, that girl inside who wants 2B unique & respected & admired, who wants to write books & make movies  & have a husband to have sex w/, a girl fulfilled & happy) with.

Funny, & I used to have such a fear/aversion 2 it. Maybe because now I've loved more professors than hated teachers. And because I wouldn't be doing it for any ego trip, but as an enjoyable job that enables me to live my life. 

But it really boils down to getting rid of the money.

May 14

I'm almost there! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's 4:30 & my research paper is due today. I'll do it. Joe is getting ready to go right now, tonite we said goodbye. It felt like so long. Goodbye 2 Jim, too. Nice. Didn't cry at Joe, talked w/Jim out in twilite, lay w/Joe brushing my hair w/his hand. 

I'm high on caffeine. 

May 21 - Tuesday

Tomorrow Sally and I drive 2 Chicago. Silly me, K.C. 

Today we had a great day in Chicago. We're not communicating as well as we used to, or maybe it's just slow to start -- we did have fun today.

The year is over -- in retrospect, two things -- I've found I can't describe people that have struck me to others, no matter how fascinating or compelling they may be. Grandma Helen, Jeff, Lauren, Ron, just don't come across when I'm trying to translate why they affect me so.

And -- It's a marvel I didn't get more depressed. The week or so when I saw Grandma S. for the last time, then went to her funeral & met & was smacked by Reggie were some of the most awful memories & bam, bam, they all came at once. I remember talking to myself (<--this line was written for Michele to pity me over), comforting myself, a lot, though. Defending myself, rationalizing.