Twenty Year Old Girl

 

March 25

The theme for break was repression. Repressing thoughts of Brett, not allowing myself to work from sad to regret to self-contempt. And knowing that I'm deliberately not thinking of him creating guilt.

"Don't bury it! Face your feelings!" But I'm afraid of focusing on it and blowing it out of proportion. Maybe that's what I'm doing -- trying to make it smaller in proportion than it really is. But. I really had it. Stuttering, I ask Sonya, "D-did you ask Brett if he did some coke?" And for a while I could remember that and really turn cold inside. I did! I did!

At KU in Tonya's Human Sexuality class, we saw films of masturbation. I can't believe it. The prof thought he was some daring, stand-up comic w/his stories of a party for his daughter's first period & bad language. Becky said she asked for boyfriend 2 do it in front of her since she was so intrigued by it. 

March 27

Oh yeah, and the night before I left coming back from chicken enchiladas & Beverly Hills Cop & conversation as easy as I hope it always will be, Tonya & I saw Greg & Kyla at the gas station on Wornell. 

We chased them for half an hour but couldn't find them. Looking back, it seems so simple & obvious what to say to him. Why did We played games and now I think it would be so easy to be honest w/him. 

I'm tired of pretend. It's so simple: Something like "No, Allen, I'm not mad at you. I don't really feel anything for you. If you want to fool around with me, you're going to have to make me like you again."

March 31

I've got it! I felt so bad always calling myself stupid whenever I was in tight vicinity to a M.O.S. But I'm not -- what it is, I get scared. I'm paralyzed with fear. If I get in good, I'm so afraid of losing it, I don't dare make a false move, so I do nothing. I sit there w/a look locked on my face, agree w/everything & try to guess what he wants my reactions to be. I don't do anything. I let the relationship develop or die, without any say. I just agree to everything. Look, look! It fits, oh how it fits! I have found my problem & named it. Now I can work on it. It's just a question of being brave. Brave enough to be myself.

(April 10 --- Hallejuiah!)

April 3

Hello. I'm looking forward to this long weekend for a lot of work. 

I love Michele & Diane (one n!) & Joe so much! Sometimes I can't believe it & I'm tempted to ask that nagging housewife quesion, "Do you really love me?"

But the reason for this -- I forgot to tell you about the video I saw over break: "I'm having so much fun, my lucky number is one!" Tribute to happy independence!

There's no one here! I can't figure it out -- am I not meeting enough people, do I know too many? Are these different sort of people, am I haning around w/too many intellectuals? (Not to say I don't like it  -- not having a crush, that it, I don't really have any feeling about it.) Have I grown up? Have I left behind strong emotions? Oh! Is this what The Repression did? 

All I know is that this is the Easter After Sean & Mr. Ed that I didn't give anyone a Easter basket or even want to. Maybe I just feel very loved & that has taken the place of a need for something 2 adore.

I am not looking for someone.  

 

April 7

Happy Easter.

It feels like the past couple of weeks my memoriy has been in high gear. I'm spending lots of time remembering whole sections of past. Some of these things I haven't thought about in a long time. Some aren't so nice, some are rather.

I love good stories. Last night, Monica: I took a taxi to Michael's, crawled in his window & I said "Michael, let's run away 2 St. Louis, I've wrecked the car. And he said, "okay, go to sleep for a while and we'll get up & run away 2 St. Louis."

 

April 9

Ooh that pisses me off! Tonya tells a boy sheh doesn't want to sleep w/him. She tells him she's a virgin. "But why?" he asks. BUT WHY?!! 

April 10

Brown -- maybe I should go 2 a gynocologist. None of my periods are the same anymore. 

How about: Nothing could surprise me anymore, except love. 

Wow. I like it! I like it!