February 3
I hated waking up hungry & yet knowing I could eat as much as I wanted in a couple of hours in a warm bright and noisy cafeteria. And I don't know where or if they were going to eat anything that day besides the coffee loaded with sugar & cream & the juice we had for them.
Breakfast! The little squinty eyed boy, quiet, around 12 or 13. The girl in baggy pants, hidden in her tangled long hair, soft & vulnerable as she lay asleep on her side, an arm handing off the mat, her cupped hand opened upward.
"You must be rich," said Jerry, "with your car & going here and all..." I shrugged, said something about my parent inheritance. When said something like alright, I said, "no, I hate it. I would give everything."
Rejection from Reggie was harder than from Brett. He's still one of my favorite people. But last night I loved the touches on my hands & waist and his firm upper arm through his shirt. But too easily I was wet, so quickly, and my brain takes a back seat, I become stupid.
"So subtly is the fume of life designed,/To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind...the poor treason/Of my stout blood against my staggering brain..."
Oh ha ha! Yesterday the cute quiet guy I've been watching in Theology is sitting across from Reggie in dinner. Walking back to my car past the bus stop, I see Jerry smiling down at what must be SMC chick about 5 inches from his face. Tonite in dinner Julie is wearing the sweater I first admired on Tom. Oh ha ha! Best laid plans, hopes, aspirations....
February 5
When I'm alone: Sometimes I'm so happy, content, laughing. Sometimes, arrgh! I just want to be touched!
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