December 1
Cindy you fart! You little fart! But I am so happy. Reggie Schroeder. Ahh. "It's so hard at first" I said, playing Maureen McGovern in Ordinary People.
"Yeah, I know," he said. And "You're the first interesting person I've met at one of these." And "Well, give us a kiss."
Oh I hope he heard my "you're nice!" And I do like him. I'm so happy & excited. You silly girl. Not 2 days after Brett sent me The Wonderful Letter. Oh Brett.
They are very alike, well, a little alike, well they have a few similarities. Oh shit. And I know today I was thinking about what if I had this situation & hot far I could take it. Maybe I have ESP.
Am I going to have 2 periods each month from now on? Very strange.
Tell Brett -- I Hate the Beach Boys, Bus Plunge, Cowboy Lips, Helter Skelter & I Wanna Whole Lotta Love. Road Warrior, Repo Man, Clockwork Orange.
Tell Reggie -- Repo man w/Circle Jerks
Tell Yourself -- This can work out. We can all be happy.
Oh ha ha ha ha ha! If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with!!
December 4
Shit. There's no joy in Clarksville. Shit, I think this will affect how I write & talk to Brett. And I feel so guilty knowing I have to keep this from Tonya. Knowing I have to keep this from Tonya. How can any of this turn out? Kick out Reggie, run to Brett & it eventually has to end. All things come to an end. And then what does Tonya do -- she has said how close they've become, how much she wants him to be a very dear friend. Great. The shit we dive into. But maybe I'm jumping ahead -- I am, but last nite he was already saying we'll go to Chicago, I'll see his room, we'll do this & that, drive across the country w/his best friend. Shit and of course jerky Cindy compromises, I laugh at witnessing Baptists, I nod about drugs (another thing he said we'd do together) although I did say I'd never done anything. It was so stiff at first, for the longest time. And then gradually, I forgot where I was & who he was & what we were doing and the ideas we were talking about filled my eyes & ears. Long silences. I mean a lot of at least 10-15 second pauses. But I didn't mind, did he? I felt like a geek. Is he really interested? Do I want him to be? And the movie! Magnificent, but was he uncomfortable? I wasn't, even with the rape, rape, rape & phallic crap & shots directly above & below (close shots) of a naked woman. But hold his hand? Through that? How does he view women? (Important.)
I'm going to make a main stream movie to embarrass: a scene focusing on a guy's agony over trying to hold her hand in a movie.
P.S.!
So that's it! I listen to Rickie, talk to Mary, write letters, put on eye makeup (like Alex, I guess I feel evil), look at my nails, but ignore my philosophy paper due tomorrow at 10:10 & the Cosmos test over 4 chapters I haven't read at 2.
I know why. Self-destructive behavior. We fulfill our expectations.
I feel so guilty about possibly hurting 2 wonderful people. Plus Tonya, Fuck me, I deserve it. Ooooo! Cindy! Save yourself!
Lord? Save me? oooh, I moan.
Why can't I find a Christian? Why are they both into drugs? Why is Jeff into drugs? (I still have faint fantasies about marrying him.) "Oh we-e belong together..." rips through me & I'm short of breath...
Reggie said he put a copper wire in an outlet to find out what would happen & it felt like someone was pounding on his chest & his back. He did it twice.
Sparkles fall & birds fly, the sun sets & children are quiet, thoughtful, as Rickie sings. The little girl hugs a street light post and looks at evening sky.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, Cindy's horny. I would have shot us from far away, perhaps from behind the car door so you could only see the tops of our heads meet. You'd have to look carefully to see us. First time, then I smile & reach for another. And after I check again my number, a goodbye one. Ah. Short, sweet, ouch. I'm hurting tonight.
December 10
I want Reggie to be my friend, but I'm pessimistic. Of if only it could work. But friendship should be as spontaneous as love. But when people say "let's be friends," they usually aren't taking into account if they like the person or not, they're just saying, "let's not be lovers." I'm going to work at this one.
Tell Reggie -- Guitar, Earth Kitt, tapes, Huge, the X, postcard
I don't want Brett to be physical for different reasons than we're friends. I love talking to him. I don't want to separate the... Oh, I don't know what's going to happen.
Isn't it funny how things work out? How can always count on life to be different than your expectations, though.
I want Reggie to be my friend.
Images of meeting Brett (I think this was how he left), tightly clutching hands at waist level between us, stand still & tilt just slightly! my head to kiss.
December 14
I'm so unhappy! But I'm laughing as I wail. Oh, I don't know, I feel listless, studying for my film final is such a joke. I'm in the process of getting Boring grades, you know? But happy when I think of getting home, when I read The Eighth Day -- so incredible!
And Reggie! Now my thots of him will always have that bleak, barren, cold, sterile, intimidating dorm room as the background with the Specials sparse reagae saying "you're wondering now what to do now you know this is the end." And I can't concentrate on my Cosmos in the cruel sharp yet dim light as he, his back 2 me, washes & washes carefully his face. I hate my smile, my forced, stupid questions. Silence. I can't even make him smile. This is a different boy than the wunderkind at the dance & the movie. This is not a friend. Oh good. I've decided now, right now, that I'm not pretending his is anymore.
I still get a pang when I look up Mr. E's picture. I wonder which one will fade faster? Okay, okay, I'll admit it -- still having fantasies. Still loving to make him laugh.
December 17
Since Sat. nite when I saw the student film/video show, I've had trouble falling asleep. I keep getting ideas & already worrying about assignments. It's so exciting. What I'm anxious about: I don't think I think in very funny ways, I don't get funny ideas. But if I try to do something serious, people have little patience with it. Or maybe that's just me. People like 2 laugh, even at pathetic attempts at humor (unless they're so self-conscious, you just cringe at their screaming Laugh! Laugh! at me!) <-- I don't know, it's complicated, but I get more serious ideas than funny ones.
1. Satire on Bowie's China Girl video: SMC chick. Half-screen "Bowie" singing & throwing his hips around, ha, ha, like video. Other half, people making really queer faces. Side view of both, she says ssshh and scrapes her face on her incredibly long fingernails. Cafeteria, she's waiting for him w/a tray, he grabs it & throws it straight up in air. She's gorgeous, foufy hair, lots of makeup, $ clothes, she covers hier face & then turns into cold cream on face (like China Girl's white makeup), hair in curlers, in sweats. He grabs her & they kiss, but I don't have expensive track, so they just shuffle around in a circle while they kiss. Oh ha ha. The glass doors of the Chinese restaurant become La Fortune's front door.
Dec. 17 Later.
I called Brett this afternoon. He's so fun and exciting and funny and kind. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve you. Just days now. This is Mon. nite. I'll be home Wed. nite!
Home! Finals are just an irritating nusance in my way, but I'll get through them. What (oh what!) is going to happen? I can't even image what (of course I'm imagining, ha!) we'll meet like. My house, his house, Lawrence, the hallway, the parking lot, Tonya's apt, his, w/Chuck, w/Tonya, w/Rob, ha! what if Lounge Lizard was there!?!! I still want that hard, still kiss of a few pages back. I can't wait to see the curve ball life is going to throw me on this one. I want us to have fun: Winsteads, the Plaza, the museum?, used clothes stores, bars, movies we rent. I want us to have fun. I don't want sex. Oh dear, I hope there's not a problem.
Why I love him: He is kind, he is funny & he like Rickie. Coolsville! He even loved Coolsville!
I know why, I found out tonite why remembering being young is so poignant for me, why it feels so. Rickie reminds me of being little and playing. It all ended w/Nancy. That was the summer before 6th grade, time to grow up. No more playmate. No more play, for weeks just because it was physically impossible, then emotionally and then it was time I had outgrown it. Maybe I'm just waxing psychological because Mary said (before she left!) it must have had a strong affect on me, both occurring in my developing/formative years.
RED!
December 24
This is not going to end well. Waiting for Dad to bring back my car so I can finish X-mas shopping. This is not going to end well, I'm still crazy right now. I can't think except in very short-term lengths of time. Here, let me tell you some junk: Thurs. got my hair cut short! Do I look like my mother now?
(For the first time that I can remember, Ron said something about our parents. I'm getting ready to go out w/Sherri & Christy & he looks at me & says "you haven't changed since you were 3 years old," not fondly. "I can remember when I was about 6 years old & going into (pause) Mom's room and you were smearing lipstick all over your face." He said Mom.)
Oh Mr. Berger, you know Truth.
Reddish
December 25
<--- Okay, to finish. A nicer Christmas, family-wise, then many, but I feel corrupt. Chuck's stories about gay priests and Tonya's malicious quips & laughter felt especially sacrilegious on Christmas Eve. I didn't go to Mass. The radio played part of Like a Virgin, then switched to Jingle Bells as if someone had been caught playing a bad joke and I said "I'm being punished for not being sorry for fooling around w/Brett." I mean, it's Christmas! I bought rum at Hen House, so frightened my face (felt like crying) dead serious.
At Chuck's we baked sugar cookies, drank egg nog & laughed w/Mrs. Johnson (he says I'm her).
I can't decide if I feel bad and consequently guilty or not. That was last nite.
This morning Ron loudly notices my hickey (3 1/2 days old & still hanging on, though not as dark as the bruises on my breasts) "and you were supposed to be at church!"
I don't say anything, but can't lie out of it. But this is just crap to tell Tonya to make her laugh...Back to the perils of my life.
Oh Mr. Berger, you know Truth. The girl I am with Christy & Sherry is not the girl who Reggie thinks he knows is not the same as that Cindy Girl is not Diane & Michelle's friend who is barely similar to Tonya's best friend. I am not the same with different people, it's more than an act. I guess I should be the same girl with everyone who is the same girl that I live with when I'm alone. When I'm alone, I have to look at myself. Can't hide. Or do I, in rationalizations & apathy & oblivion? Do I mind? Do I like them all? I'm compromising. "Remember Jim, you choose your friends, don't let them choose you!" I am the hypocritical chameleon. Will the real Cindy please stand up?
Sunday nite John C called. Yuck. "What? You looking for some kind of long-term, meaningful relationship here?" Oh ha ha ha! I'd love to say that to him, but I could care less if I don't get the chance. In generic terms, I told Ron some of the situation and he shocked me by calling me a victim, not believing I was in control of my life & destiny. Doesn't that sound familiar?! "I am the victim," I've whined so many times. Wow. I will be an existentialist -- responsible for myself & my actions. Not blaming someone else.
And back, back more to
December 27
<---To conclude!
"It's much too late 4 goodbye," Chuck, Tonya, Brett & I tried to watch The Big Chill & Manhattan on a rented VCR last nite but it wouldn't work so we went to see The Cotton Club. I could barely think of a thing to say all nite. And when we dropped him off in Lenexa, he & I went inside to get Windex for the car windshield. (This is rambling on as pointlessly as I felt) We walk back from the dark kitchen, I'm at the door & he touches my shoulder. /We said nothing, not even when he opened the door & we went outside. He was taking the train the next morning. At the car Tonya asked him if he was going to Heather's wedding & he said no. Goodbye & he was gone. When I wrote this is not going to end well, I didn't even image this ending, not bad, not good, just inevitable & out of our control. I should have expected something totally different than I was expecting. Driving home, I felt deeply, deeply tired, sick to nausea and very sad.
That was last nite. The nite before, Christmas nite, I was at Tonya's & we made prank phone calls, trying to connect Kyla to Mrs. Frischer & Greg to Missy H.
Later. We were expecting Chuck to come over to see Valley Girl when the doorbell rang so seeing an oh so familiar head & hearing Kyla's laugh shocked me to my socks. Tonya & I both screamed & ran out of the room. We were laughing hysterically, trying to get out the back door while T's mom grinned & they stood, slightly amused, sheepish. Finally, we sat down & there was some conversation. I didn't help. The last time I had talked to Greg was on the phone at Tonya's Halloween party (When Tonya mentioned something about it, he mumbled something about being in a strange/unusual state that night, as if being drunk gave him an excuse.) The last time I'd seen him was in July or Aug. when he was at Crown Center one Fri. nite with Eli & Christina. I don't remember the last time I had seen Kyla, probably the last nite we had a fight at Greg's brother's? During Lent? Months.
December 29
This joke is getting old & the confusion too great for the worth the material. (Well...then again...) Let's just summarize 4 now:
Drove home Wed.
Thur: Hair cut, dinner w/Christy & Sherri.
Fri: Drove to Lawrence. Tonny, Brett & I drive to K.C., she works while we buy Teddy Bears, comes back, goes out again, we listen & kiss in his room, come back, go out again, I spend the night.
Sat: I'm wide awake while I shop, T. works, Brett disappears, Chuck comes, he & I eat at Valentino's, buy off Tonya, go back to the appts. & watch T.V. I spend the nite.
Sun. Goodbye & I return to major stress & sleep. Jeanne, hyper & childish.
Mon. Finish my shopping, wrapping & T. & I go to Chuck's house.
Tues. calm holiday, presents & dinner & Tonny's where we make the calls & G & K pay a call. Chuck comes & we watch Valley Girl.
Wed. We 3 go shopping Plaza & Westport, then pick up Brett for the VCR failure, then Cotton Club. "So, when are you leaving, Brett?" "My train leaves tomorrow morning." "What!" Goodbye.
Thurs. Trapped at home til Tonny rescued me to get Trading Places & Big Chill & dinner. Goodbye Chuck.
Fri. Mom & I shopping & I stay home except for embarrassing myself w/Nancy Johnson. Today is Saturday & I'm going shopping w/Christy. But you know what I remember the most & the easiest. What he said, how we touched, and moved.
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