Two in the Morning

 

 

 

 

 

January 3, 1985

Maybe I should be reassured by my consistency, by my equilibrium. Reading that a body's metabolism tends to stabilize someone's weight so the longer you've been at a certain weight, the harder it is to lose or gain, it felt so right and familiar, I felt that I had already knew it. 

Some things are like that -- they are so right and true, the confirm a part of myself as I learn them for the first time. But I'm digressing. What I mean is I'm returning again. Give me nothing to do, empty days & slow nites and my thot processes return to the old paths. Despair & fresh hope over & over again, undecided between gregarious & anti-social behavior & tendencies & motives. I agonize over simple phone calls or whether I should go on another pointless shopping trip. Another old associate returned for this vacation is the old fervor to work my body out of its unhealthy, inactive state. I'm hungry again for that drug that comes from pain, sweat & pride and leaves me quietly euphoric & relaxed. 

Maybe the impulse for body love is a subconscious act of self-preservation, to rescue me from the anxiety & harm of too much time on my hands to berate myself. More deja vu! I'm sitting on the floor in front of the heating vent. Memories of hot feet & hod back on the hard kitchen floor, my neck hurting from leaning against the cabinet, 6:30 in the morning, half-asleep, eyes hurting, dreading getting dressed for school. 

It's not quite 2 and I'm the only one awake. I feel peaceful late at nite. Maybe because I can be sure I'm not missing anything, Or is that just the niggling pressure to be normal & there4 so sociable talking?

This all leads to no, the all is the reason I want to go to summer school at KU this summer. No matter how much I hate the pressures of deadlines, I need to fill up my life. I mean, I hate this empty living when all I do is spend money & think too deeply & seriously about trite thots. It's not very pleasant to have the strongest emotions of the day in reaction to the extra brownie I had after dinner when 3 weeks ago I was having discussions about methanol treatments and existentialism and theories about recurrent themes in world religions (i.e. for preservation of authority) (what was the name of that theory?) 

The other reason is that there is nothing for me here. My family will always be here, yeah, but I don't really care all that strongly about old ties. Am I running away from bad memories? I hope not. 

Okay, enough of that. You know my mood. Here's an old fantasy to clear the air a bit. This summer I spent the nite at Christy's one Sat. We stayed up til about 3, recording albums & talking. The next morning she gets up to go to church w/Mom, Dad & Grandpa. Scott had come in late the nite before, before he left we had done flips on Christy's bed, laughing at the wildness of throwing yourself violently through the air. When Christy left for church, I was so dead, I went back to sleep for a while, then got up & left. Even though she told me to go on sleeping, for some reason I felt uncomfortable about staying & beat a hasty exit. 

My fantasy: as soon as I hear the door close behind them, I go into their parents bedroom & make sure the car leaves. I go to Scott's door. My heart's pounding as I quietly open the door & creep in. I slip under the covers and lay against his back. Only then does he wake up. I go no further than this. I just like the thot of sleeping with him in the waterbed. 

Shit. It's 3:30 already. I don't have time for the epic of indulgence. Lie! I have gangs of time, I'm just afraid my mind isn't clear enough to remember everything right now. But I can start this: what we listened to.

Fri.

Joan Armatrading, Lou Reed live, 

Rickie: her first & Volcano

                                                                                                           Joni Mitchell live

Sat

Secret Police, Rolling Stones (Some Girls?) Elvis (My Aim is True)

Morning

Julian Lennon (Valotte) 

P.S. Driving home from the grocery story, (<-- important detail to add credibility, to show the thought was significant & good & perhaps true enuf to survive time. But then again, I think there's been quite a few really good ones that just got forgotten. The precious, delicate ideas that escaped) I think, "I'm just going through a phase. I'm irreverent."