San Diego, CA, Summer 1985

 

Aug. 2

The moon looks like it's been full for three nights. The first day we came, I sat on a high stool in the kitchen, eating a bowl of red raspberries with a spoon. Last nite we went to Andrew's apartment and drank rum and Slice in a Jacuzzi.

Basically, it's hot, it's be-yooo-tiful, have a nice day! Those girls are P-I-G-pigs! Ms. Beaver's hungry.

We went to Tijuana a couple of days ago. It didn't feel like a foreign country, it felt like a theme park, Mexicoville. I felt rude, an ugly American because we knew no Spanish, we expected them to understand us. They must hate us, their dignity gone, exploited. We come and we want, we expect filthy streets, beggars, tacky souvenirs. 

 

Aug. 6

I woke up this morning and my right eye was swollen half shut. For the past few days I've been constantly close to tears, glad I was wearing sunglasses on Rodeo Drive, in the dark backseat driving home. It was one of the greatest weekends and yet in many ways I feel worse than I ever have in my life.  

We stayed at the Tropicana, Rm. 200. In the lobby was an 8 and a half by 11 black and white photo of Chuck E. Weiss, crouched over, rolling dice, signed, "I planned on staying here a couple of weeks, but I ...(something like) I ended up here for a year...My home, Red beans and rice, Chuck E. Weiss.

We went to the Palace. Cover charge was $10.

We shopped on Rodeo Drive and Melrose yesterday. First thing in the morning, I bought a $5 map of the stars homes. As soon as I got back in the car and realized what I'd done, I was flooded with guilt. (The night before, we had eaten at a Beverly Hills cafe, The Cheesecake Factory, and after a huge meal, Chuck threw up in the bathroom.) We drove down to Rodeo and the first store I found a beautiful denim dyed-sky-blue oversized jacket and tight peg-legged jeans that made me pretty. (I don't belong in this country.) (Tonya said I should see a therapist.)

Aug. 8

 

The severe dread is balanced by the euphoric fun. We ate at a sushi bar in Los Angeles. We dressed up and paid a $10 cover to get into the Palace. We went to the Hard Rock cafe, in the front there's a picture of the Doors outside a real Hard Rock cafe in London. Yesterday, we all got our hair cut and Tonya got a blond streak. All of this was wonderful and happy. 

 

But. "Stress," whined/moaned Chuck/Charles. They were amazed, then angry because I wouldn't buy anything. Charles was frustrated because he couldn't understand. 

 

"You're hypocritical," they said. "You eat nice restaurant food that you don't need and yet you won't buy clothes that make you look better than I've ever seen you." 

 

 They think it's because I'm not progressing at the same rate they are, improving like they are. Because I'm afraid. Chuck compared it to giving up liver for Lent; I'm not making a big change. It sounds true enough to be very scary and yet my sinking suspicion of why I'm doing it is even worse: I'm beting everyone at their own game. Instead of trying to be the newest, most beautiful, most trendy, I've stopped fighting. And yet by denying their values, I'm better than they are. I'm as self-conscious and self-centered as ever. And Tonya's advice to see a therapist for my guilt problem -- "You're depriving yourself, why can't you live a normal life?"

 

Ha! Of course M.B. told Jeff. I would love to get back at her by telling her about John. Too mean.

 

Of course John Perry told "Mom" we were staying with Chuck. But, but what? I'll be back in S. Bend in about 2 weeks.

 

 

 

Aug. 14

 

Sometimes Tonya and I feel like an old married couple. We have fun and lots of laughs on vacation and then back home, there's just not much to talk about. We go to places, shopping, out of eat and there are long silences punctuated by small jokes followed by polite laughs and lots of questions. How's Heather? How's Sonya? When do you get your schedule? Have you called Chuck?

 

We came back and "Mother" nearly died at my haircut. "Cindy, I'm afraid to ask you what you did on your vacation." I wish I could have laughed at that.

I cried talking to Michele the other nite. Her ideals jsut didn't seem to matter to her all that much. "Please," I cried to her quietly, "please ome with me. Join the Peace Corps with me." She thinks she can write. I know I'm being self-righeous. I have a right to be. I've seen her writing. It's not that hot. And if I've been scribbling for years and I know I'm not good, I think I should be able to judge her who only thinks about it. And when accused, agrees, "yes, I know I'm a terrible person." Sometimes I can't stand her for that.

And "Dad" was frightenly intense and serious when I jokingly mentioned giving away $ to charity. How about a trust fund -- using the interest, not the nest egg?

 

At Age 20, "I Am Past Excitement"

 July 20

I wish my blood would make an appearance and end all this tension. Blah.

My diary from senior year. While I hate now the weird, obnoxious, pretentious brat loser I was in 9th, at times I really love this funny, happy idiot. (But then again, it physically hurts to realize how much I hurt Jim. Over and over and over. Why didn't he give up? I want to apologize.) Of course she made stupid, stupid mistakes and was awfully hyper and was probably so emotional due to her bad eating habits and probably mistaken a good deal of the time about her own feelings...

But reading all those underlines and capital letters and dark print and exclamation marks drives closer to home 1) recent fears of writing badly, stiffly, in cliches 2) the quiet sad noticing that I don't care about anyone. Tonya and I are almost ridiculous, vehemently agreeing with each other and using that laughs that we know but refuse to recognize anymore are only forced politeness. Mary Beth does nothing for me anymore. I have no choice with Greg. John actually bores me. John C., that is. I admit freely that Brett has an attraction to me. A very physical attraction. And Lauren and Jeff, I only long for the past. I feel I am past excitement. It is over.

July 23

Things 2 Do 

    Travelers Checks

    Film

    Tonya

        --Chuck gift?

        --Spend nite

    Postcard addresses

    Fix Budget

    Paper (notice this last)

    Write Jim, Becky, Joe

    Call Di

Hi-i. (Two syllables)

Jim Harrison says: "Nineteen...(among other things)...is the last year that a young woman will marry purely for love." And of course, that's the answer to my wondering why? why Mr. England as the last one? It is also the reason I was so calm, only a little down after finding both Jim and Jeff twice out and driving home without any immediate memories to distract me. The scene I thought of with Jim was easier, simpler, more spontaneous than Jeff"s. I would just ask some questions (of course, it was all tentative, based on his reaction to seeing me) and then say something to the effect: I know this may mean nothing to you or it may be too late, but for what it's worth, I really want to apologize, etc. etc. profusely. He deserves it. Maybe it was simple cause I have so much more to say to Jeff. I want us to kiss both cheeks, be pleasantly, happily surprised and eager to talk.

I must be calm, patient, soothing to Scott, forgiving and forgetting of Carol. 

Jan on the phone frightened me the other day. She sounded like a redneck. Maybe she was just nervous. But I hate having her intimidated or frightened or whatever of me or anyone else. "Mother" is making it all so mysterious. How ridiculous can you get. Shouldn't I be as scornful of my eagerness to get away as I am of hers?

July 25

Tremendous! Listen! It's not what the two of you actually do, the kissing, the touching, the moving, the whispered odd words. It's what he does afterwards that creates how you remember it. (Creates how?)

Yippee! We leave in 3 days!

There's really nothing left with Christy. I don't like any of her friends -- only Annette makes me laugh, so very often I did laugh when I was with them, but it was not for the same reason. I laughed at their characters often. Sherri is wonderful, but silences tell a lot. The only thing in common anymore is music -- great to talk about, true, but it is really all there is left. The pleasantness of newness and discovery is gone.

Saturday, July 27

WE-EL. (As the Chicken Man narrator says) The T.V. is on the blink. The sewer backed up. I didn't get my paycheck. The rash on my arms that I got when I was little is back. I've been shitting, bleeding and eating all day. Jim M's dad has cancer. Ron hasn't got his calculator yet although "Mom" sent it last week. I dropped a watermelon tonite and it cracked on the floor. Nancy is coming over tomorrow to meet Terry Gale, Ron, Jennifer, Stephanie, and Aunt Marge. Jeanne is worried about the pain in her breasts. Jan and Ernie are trying to find a house in St. Louis. Becky will die when she finds out they're moving. Jean and Phil are trying to buy a house. Jeanne got drunk alone last week and when she knocked on her neighbor's door at 1:30 in the morning, four police came. Michele is going out with her friend from work. Jeff said very offhandedly we should go out Sunday nite. I have to pack. We're leaving Tonya's house at 7:00 a.m. Monday morning. I have to finish this 6-8 page paper before we leave. John Perry asked me to go to Cats with him.

But. 

 

July 29

La Brea Ave.

Van Nuys Blvd.

Stax & Sun

This black pen is wishful thinking. We're leaving. Cont. from last page: "Dad" lost money again at the Omaha track. Ron detests the McCullens. Jeff didn't call me.

The BUT was for this minor revelation from Friday night: The "Sheeet. It just doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter, etc."

Later. Continuing /|\ the attempt at fooling yourself that you really aren't frustrated, you really aren't on edge, you really aren't hating yourself is such a nasty feeling, so wretched that to tell you the truth, I don't care if giving it up forever means never having a crush. Fine. I'd be more than happy to sacrifice (all)(the) furious heartbeatings, shameless uncontrollable gruns and "I can't believe it! I can't believe I did that." Oh, I'll still be spontaneous at precious moments, but I'm very happy to be rid of that punish-yourself mentality. 

We are here. The living room was lovely, but the bathroom has a faint stale odor. The towels were brown. "It hides the dirt," I remember someone's mother advised. Chuck's bedroom has a queen sized bed no pun intended, and on the floor, a Sony TV, two lamps and a wicker hamper. The walls are empty, the windows have plain blinds. But the closet is stuffed and under the bed is a hopeless mess of opened envelopes, matchbooks, cologne samples, scraps of paper with first names and numbers, business cards, books, a bottle of Estee Lauder Golden Sun Pre-Tan Accelerator, cufflinks, popped corks. 

Am I so frightened because of Ron's fury? Or because my eyes are hot from lack of sleep? Or because he lives with a balding, chubby foreigner who flamboyantly welcomed us, "You're so pretty! Are you sisters?"

July, 1985, Halfway Between High School and College Graduations

 June 27

We're talking seriously lonely, here. When I had the moles removed, I was grateful just to be touched on my back. 

Last night I dreamed I was telling someone "It's hard work, I mean all I do is work & eat breakfast & work & eat lunch & work & eat dinner & work more. And I'm pulling potatoes, can you believe it? And I like it." Cause that's what I was doing. And after a hard day, we three went to bed, all in one bed. I am secretly pleased we all have to sleep together, I curl up at the bottom across their feet, happy with their warmth, until he pulls him to her and they hug, Eric and Mary Beth. And I watch as they laugh and try to get into a huge house. I have telescope eyes and can watch them climbing up the house and in a window. I'm just still and watch. 

Touch is all I need, letters won't fix it, nor phone calls, not even conversation. And not Christie's dutiful hugs, not "Mom's" irritating embraces. Am I gross if I look forward to dream sex?

June 28

Why don't I face it? I'm never going to be content. I'll always have a nagging niggle in the back of my head. I should have, I should be, I can't relax, I've got the

Later: I am lonely, lonely, lonely.

Home alone 2nite, I sang Another Saturday Nite and I ain't got nobody...and I was startled by the line "oh how I wish I had somone to talk to."

And like an answered prayer, John Perry (I guess Crown Center last summer was the last time I talked to him) called and we talked for two hours.

July 5

Well, Brett wrote (the handwriting and the address on the envelope were familiar but I didn't have a clue until the Dear Cindy) but the joy I have right now is from the Yaz "Only You," my new hair cut and the ice tea. Not disinterested, not not caring, but aloof? blasé? How about, not involved. Yes. I am no longer emotionally involved. 

I'm glad not to have men now. I'm grateful for this respite from them. But I still look at couples. But sex fantasies aren't thrilling this week -- I think: you're putting so much on the line, your face, your self respect, your reputation, your value. How could I trust just anyone to that? I'm too delicate for casual sex. When you touch me, I've sacrificed something for you, I've trusted you with my life. It's too much.

This is a great idea, where are the right words?

This constant contempt, bordering on scary hatred for adolescent girls. "Ooo, look at that girl!" "Gross!" Mean. Looking at people with horrified eyes, like they're ugly bugs. I have to be more accepting and loving, even if they do wear trendy clothes and think it's important.

July 9

I'm in a bad mood tonite because I didn't go running. Tonya came over and of course pointed out the hypocrisies and inconsistencies and illogic of trying to live without spending. And Chuck called while "Mother" pretended to cook dinner. I didn't tell him that I'd missed him. 

I never loved Mr. England, what are you talking about? I don't even think I liked him. I wanted to have him, of course, to be with him and all, but I don't know love. Not Brett either. You can't love someone you can't communicate with.

July 10

Tonner and I saw Greg 2 nite. Of course, she's right, I'm so supersensitive to the past, I don't want to live for it that almost any mention of it brings scorn from me. At times we were easily, gracefully more candid than we'd ever been, laughing at old taboo subjects. But then there was the talk of grades, blandness. 

Driving down Ward Parkway (am I too sensitive because I don't want to drive the same way, go again to Winstead's?) I do notice a difference: I don't care. My heart isn't beating, I'm not nervous. I'm not worried about what I'm saying, I'm not frantically regretting what I said 5 minutes ago.

July 11

What bothers me, I see it now, I always felt like a nymphomaniac, a drunken slut with him. He made me feel that way, I guess I should be fair, but it really seems that way.

July 14

BAD weekend with Tonya. We fought constantly, and it hit the peak in a restaurant, just as the waitress put the menus in front of us, she said "I want you to know you're really pissing me off." It hurt. Familiarity breeds contempt. I feel fat with her, we eat too much, she always mentions my many figure flaws, whenever we're talking, I feel like I'm just poised, waiting for a chance to talk about myself, me me me, I laugh at all her jokes, I feel like her jester. 

"What is she, your slave?" Jeff asked her. "Yes," we answered. 

I feel like I come across as a timid wimp, frightened of offending her, yet to prove the opposite, very argumentative.

Thinking too much of Brett. But could/is it really a coincidence that Tonya told me he had a girlfriend fright before he sent me the Dear Jane? Or that he starts writing again after breaking up with her?

Solution to the Cd problem: bring lot of $ and spend it, subtly, on her.

July 17

Of course when I pulled up to the Tritt driveway, John is just getting out of his car to check out M.B.'s bumper. And like with Greg, no excitement. We just talk and laugh some but no spark. No nervousness. Ooops. I said too much about Jeff. Way too much. Read Oct. 19.

July 19

Can you believe I'm going back? Another Friday nite concert. This morning is amazing. I am SO down. And all because I didn't run this morning. And I gorged last night. But that was because I hadn't lost any weight when I weighed myself yesterday morning. Uggh. This morning I feel sluggish and my skin is dull and pasty. Did I go to sleep in my clothes, without brushing my teeth or washing my face because of last night? Because of driving to Jeff's house -- it took an hour to find it -- and knocking on his door until my knuckles hurt and abandoning the thoughts of leaving a note on the album I'd bought? (Bleh! This feels so tiresome)

And yet, driving home, I didn't feel bad, I didn't feel frustrated or incredibly relieved, or anything. I guess sometime this year, I stopped being able to create romance where it doesn't exist. I guess Mr. E. was my last great Crush.

Summer in Kansas City, 1985

May 27 

Tonite Sally & I are taking a picnic (complete w/candles, sparkling soda & kiwi) to hear the Symphony on the Art Museum lawn. 

And I hope I see someone I know. I keep thinking about Greg, a dream last nite & I even tried the Prom dress on last night--too tight, of course, but I could still see how pretty it must have looked--the color's still precious (but not delicate) and the sleeves are my favorite. 

I wish it -- I see them. I wave & hurry over, "Greg? Kyla!" and "I'm tired of this conflict, can't we be friends, we don't have to do anything together, but I want to be on good terms with you." Oh I want that...maybe I already do.  

No letters! Some friends!

Sally and I are having a gay old time. Really. Dueting and talking and cooking and reading and laughing. It's good.

I'm not writing as much, not thinking of as much -- or perhaps I just don't bother to write it when I've got more fun stuff to do. I don't miss being so introspective and metaphysical and theoretical and deep like I was with Misha.

And I thought I'd feel cheated. No, either I'm having just as much fun or more -- (I don't feel embarrassed like I did during our scenes) or I've changed into a different person -- I'm going to explain this to Misha and have her read Invitation to Sociology.

 

May 30

Took Sal to the train this morning. "Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you." I miss her and the rest of the day (after driving home appropriately, tired in the gray harsh rain) was an old, pointless unconstructive summer one that I hope to have very few of.

Read and threw away clumps of the past -- I'm forgetting so much -- good -- I'll be a more objective reader/reviewer of my work. But a couple of surprises -- well, not really, just memories cleared up -- took off my rose colored remembrances of Greg, felt bad at spurning Kyla, realized I had really liked Jim for a long time. And I was so sensual (even if it was just pop eroticism.)

Is it bad that this is the only writing I've done all year? In this book? At least it's more organized. 

 

June 7

Misha called last night. I had forgotten about her -- can you believe it? except for when I opened the empty mailbox every day. For a fraction of a second I wasn't even sure who "Michele" was. 

Then I was so excited -- it was terrific talking to her (But ever since school's out, I'm not reacting as strongly to things -- they don't stick with me as long -- I don't sit in a puddle of melancholy or nurture joy for days) especially because she called at such a good time -- just that morning I had noticed I'd covered everything -- Christy got on my nerves more than ever & Tonya turned into a tiger bitch like
she does at unpredictable moments (that wench). Michele was fresh air and the honest and ease felt very sweet.

(Story idea notes to self:)

"Clutch" by Queenie Peavy -- unreal world, "pop eroticism" & when approached, even slightly, "duh-uh," but not realizing it. 

How about world in imagination, wild and exciting, violent, and real one unsatisfying, dull? 

It's been done.

 

 

June 11

Period must be coming -- good sexy dream last night about David Lee Roth and almost cried today, just thinking of Brett.  Sick of Christy and just getting over mad at Tonya <-- so much better than irritating Mom. I want to get away from her. My Contemporary Novel Class at UMKC looks interesting, but I think I'm disappointed it isn't more challenging. Thinking of Lauren and Jeff and working with them last summer. And Ed.

Lauren glided across the square to our lunch counter tent every morning, her serene eyes looking at the ground ten feet in front of her, a quiet smile on her face.

 

               

June 19

Flowing very well, getting it all out quickly and smoothly.

When I think of "my mother," I know exactly what a love/hate relationship is.  

I don't think I should have children. What a selfish thought -- I'm just worried about the responsibility.

I can't believe I'm having such a dull summer and yet I don't even care, this is amazing considering all the last ones when if I wasn't frantically enjoying myself, I would be at the point of screaming from frustration. I hated missing out on fun. Now I just sit home and read. 

Yesterday I finished The Stand and today I bolted through

<-- yeah! What a great book! For 11 year olds, but oh so clever & beautiful language & tons better than those queer young adult romanmces I stocked up on that always explein in detail the girl getting dressed for her big date.

I've stopped marking the days of my periods on a calendar. I want to grow my hair straight and all one sholder length so I can cut it myself. Lazy.  

 

June 20

Last nite I walked into the blue bedroom & found "Mom" with this, closed in her hand. Was she reading? I stood there, silent, stunned, tempted to yell, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!!" but I just blurted "What'reyoudoing?" 

Then I went to bed and lay shocked, uncomfortable with Michele's letter and this on the table next to her, so close, so tempting.

But then I thought, I don't care. What if she does? It won't hurt me. No matter what, she'll claim she didn't if I ask. I know her. She lies sometimes.  

 

June 24

"Brown edges." Not really, but I'm so proud of myself for thinking of that. 

(I hate my Contemporary Novel class. I feel stupid for not being albe to write such clear, simple yet beautifully poetic prose: Why couldn't I think of "a heavy grey ceiling had strung itself from hilltop to hilltop over Ibarra"?)

 I read one of my notebooks, this one from 9-10 grade and felt nothing but "sheer embarrassment." How queer. I'm going to throw them away. I don't want it. I figure memories are enough and usually softer and kinder anyway. 

And now is when I'm getting the Red Rage symptoms: dreams, of dreams of sex, last night was wonderful, these fantasies are so selfish, as if I could control them -- my subconscious must be. I initiate it -- the second time -- but neither one of us is worried about a relationship, it's deliberately and satisfyingly casual. Just sex. He's very masculine bu out to please and obliging when a the last second I say stop so we do other things. Huh. Even my dreams won't let me go through with it.

--and such irritation at "mother."

--and so close to crying very quickly. Last night I was driving home from church, enjoying myself, comforting myself with plans for the future. No children = no responsibility. And I can't imagine finding someone to marry so no marriage. And so no sex. And I must serve -- teaching English is sounding like the best way. And it dawned on me that it sounded like a nun's life. 

"But I don't wan to be a nun," I protest to myself. Sobbing at the inevitability of it, at my fate, would be so romantic at this point, but I'm not quite sure so I can't get away with it.

--and sad also remembering how beautiful Lauren was the night at Jeff's when we ate and danced and they talked in front of my heavy eyes. They are even stronger in my memories now, growing every day. Perhaps letting go of Ed did add even more to romanticize them. And yet I remember Lauren's shrill cruel screams at the crazy woman, I remember saying goodbye to Jeff over the phone and feeling relieved when I hung up,  And I'm not sure we wouldn't run out of things to say to each other. Or am I?

How silly. Why can't I let go? Why can't I stop wanting a renewal, a resurrection with Greg and Kyla, with Brett, with Jeff and Lauren? Because they didn't end finally enough. Because I can still harbor hope.

 

June 25

I'm high on caffeine. I'm excited. I will not let my convictions collapse. And yet today I spend 300 dollars getting moles removed. 

Tess touched her lip, her skin below her eye and murmured "This vanity..." I will not put off the pure lifestyle. I will not indulge. But I won't be ridiculous by wallowing in useless guilt.

I'm so wild tonight, I plan

    1. Send Lauren, send Jeff Rickie's Girl at her Volcano

    2. Go to California with Tonya

I'll sell my albums. I'll run in the mornings or nights. I'll eat good food. 

  

 

  

Spring, 1985

 

May 4

Oh Ron is getting married! And her name is Nancy, would you call that irony? Shit, I want them to be happy. I am a wretch, but I couldn't help thinking when I found out "wait a minute! How long have you known each other? Aren't you rushing into this?" Why do I think these things when he sounded so happy, when Mom & Dad were so pleased? She's so nice, though, she doesn't deserve to be hurt, to be made miserable. Great, another delicate relationship to be anxious about. (Mom & Dad, praise the Lord, I've never had to worry about over)

Well, it will be a Presbyterian wedding. Poor Nancy -- weddings are the most stressful of all days -- they can be nightmares. All that responsibility. Oh I hope her family are good in PR. Oh I hope it's a small wedding.

I guess I could be very sad because of the fun we had -- Look, I'm crying! -- but remember when Ron pulled me on a rope on skis down the frozen street? Remember ice skating? Remember playing soccer until my green pants were covered with mud? Remember the awful arguments? Remember the drive to look at the used car for sale? Remember fishing at Lake Jacomo? Remember "yeah, I beat the holy piss out of this car"? Remember him coming in my room to turn the channel on the radio -- "listen, this is the best song." 

Yeah, I love him. Yeah, I'll miss him like hell.

May 8

STRESS! But I just think, in a few days it'll all be over & then party time! I'm really looking forward to free time. Core & Theo finals tomorrow -- yeah! they'll be out of the way!

Everyday I look for a letter from Brett and feel relieved when there isn't one. He said he was going home the 4th. Of course it would be a quick twinge of pleasure, feeling cared for, but the freedom is sweeter -- Set me free, dear.

This is what I am going to do: I will be a teacher. I can't reconcile myself with anything else - UNTRUE! Actually, it's what I can reconcile my CGC and my selfness (you know, that girl inside who wants 2B unique & respected & admired, who wants to write books & make movies  & have a husband to have sex w/, a girl fulfilled & happy) with.

Funny, & I used to have such a fear/aversion 2 it. Maybe because now I've loved more professors than hated teachers. And because I wouldn't be doing it for any ego trip, but as an enjoyable job that enables me to live my life. 

But it really boils down to getting rid of the money.

May 14

I'm almost there! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's 4:30 & my research paper is due today. I'll do it. Joe is getting ready to go right now, tonite we said goodbye. It felt like so long. Goodbye 2 Jim, too. Nice. Didn't cry at Joe, talked w/Jim out in twilite, lay w/Joe brushing my hair w/his hand. 

I'm high on caffeine. 

May 21 - Tuesday

Tomorrow Sally and I drive 2 Chicago. Silly me, K.C. 

Today we had a great day in Chicago. We're not communicating as well as we used to, or maybe it's just slow to start -- we did have fun today.

The year is over -- in retrospect, two things -- I've found I can't describe people that have struck me to others, no matter how fascinating or compelling they may be. Grandma Helen, Jeff, Lauren, Ron, just don't come across when I'm trying to translate why they affect me so.

And -- It's a marvel I didn't get more depressed. The week or so when I saw Grandma S. for the last time, then went to her funeral & met & was smacked by Reggie were some of the most awful memories & bam, bam, they all came at once. I remember talking to myself (<--this line was written for Michele to pity me over), comforting myself, a lot, though. Defending myself, rationalizing.

Religious "Degeneration"

 

 April 11

My degeneration: How could it be? I told Tonya: religion is meaning less 2 me, not because I'm thinking it over and rejecting it as unsound but because I just don't think about it. I'm lazy. 

The first things that are going are those parts of the religion that mean the most to me: I haven't gone to Confession when I really believe it has merit and a definite value & yet I'm scrupulously careful not to eat meat during Lent.

? What the hell? (So to speak.)

 

 

April 21

I'm clenching up. Those two C grades really knocked my socks off. Fear. And I stand in my messy room, finding assignments I had forgotten about.

Did I tell you? A week ago tonight, I went to Farley Mass & met Michele after. I cut half her hair and when I couldn't go on, petrified and so sorry, I was amazed she wasn't upset. We went to Shirley's for french fries & then back home. (Mary Perry was in Vegas.) I played all my Rickie Lee Jones for her, we looked at photos, and talked about last year. 

And we read my diary, this book. Michele said it was good, she said it would probably get published, she wanted to get it published after I died. But Misha is always liberal with praise (maybe why she has so many friends, Dianne too -- what is this hostility I feel from people, my imagination? Or do I go around w/a scowl on my face?) This is what happens when the camera on a movie set turns around and films the back of the set, the lights, the crew. I'm acknowledging what I'm doing, or at least trying to do. Transparency.

Later. It seems so obvious 2 me now. Last summer was special, special, special & I don't want to mes up the memories, so I didn't keep in touch with Jeff, Lauren, or Mr. Ed.

And again: It's the cruelest, most unfair line in all music: Ooh sister, love, it's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away.              Compare that with Bruce & Rickie's realism: You feel real pretty when he's holding you tight. You ain't a beauty but ay you're alright.         Oh, when the music is here with me alone in my room, being lonely in the most beautiful, the best, good aching, sweet, sweet tears. Not cold & bitter & ugly.

April 22

Allen -- why I love to smile when I see him, at him. Because I want to show him he didn't can't take advantage of me. 

Finally finished a letter 2 Brett, then opened the envelope again to add some more. I sent it off in a cloud of doubt? unsureness? trailing things I could, should have said. Bad, bad, bad, his letters breed hope, that sick, crippled, twisted, ugly little beast.

Remembering Prom, the 27th. Oh Greg. I'm not over him. He can still make me smile and make me angry with the injustice of it all so much. 

April 27

Oh what a great time. An Tostal has been great. Yesterday, Friday, there were bands on the quad, the Dating Game & comics & loudmouth contests after classes, then a French dinner & a concert (more people on stage than in the audience.) Recess turned into a wild frenzied orgy, then we danced on the quad to the Lav and then to Joe's for Snapps & Koolaid & videos.

This morning I was going to study but when I got to the picnic, I couldn't so Diane & Joe & I ran into the mud pits. People were stopping cars & putting mud all over them & pulling people out & throwing them in. We washed off in the lake and after I showered at Diane's, I drove to the mall for a perm. Tonight was a comedy show.

My legs are scraped up, my cheeks are sunburned.

 

May 2

Jim & I went to the Morris Inn for dinner tonight. I had such a great time, we were there for a couple of hours. Taking was easy. And I didn't mind anything -- I didn't care what anyone thought about what we were talking about or using the wrong silverware and plates. Who cares? I smiled, driving home and singing, content.

 

 

Twenty Year Old Girl

 

March 25

The theme for break was repression. Repressing thoughts of Brett, not allowing myself to work from sad to regret to self-contempt. And knowing that I'm deliberately not thinking of him creating guilt.

"Don't bury it! Face your feelings!" But I'm afraid of focusing on it and blowing it out of proportion. Maybe that's what I'm doing -- trying to make it smaller in proportion than it really is. But. I really had it. Stuttering, I ask Sonya, "D-did you ask Brett if he did some coke?" And for a while I could remember that and really turn cold inside. I did! I did!

At KU in Tonya's Human Sexuality class, we saw films of masturbation. I can't believe it. The prof thought he was some daring, stand-up comic w/his stories of a party for his daughter's first period & bad language. Becky said she asked for boyfriend 2 do it in front of her since she was so intrigued by it. 

March 27

Oh yeah, and the night before I left coming back from chicken enchiladas & Beverly Hills Cop & conversation as easy as I hope it always will be, Tonya & I saw Greg & Kyla at the gas station on Wornell. 

We chased them for half an hour but couldn't find them. Looking back, it seems so simple & obvious what to say to him. Why did We played games and now I think it would be so easy to be honest w/him. 

I'm tired of pretend. It's so simple: Something like "No, Allen, I'm not mad at you. I don't really feel anything for you. If you want to fool around with me, you're going to have to make me like you again."

March 31

I've got it! I felt so bad always calling myself stupid whenever I was in tight vicinity to a M.O.S. But I'm not -- what it is, I get scared. I'm paralyzed with fear. If I get in good, I'm so afraid of losing it, I don't dare make a false move, so I do nothing. I sit there w/a look locked on my face, agree w/everything & try to guess what he wants my reactions to be. I don't do anything. I let the relationship develop or die, without any say. I just agree to everything. Look, look! It fits, oh how it fits! I have found my problem & named it. Now I can work on it. It's just a question of being brave. Brave enough to be myself.

(April 10 --- Hallejuiah!)

April 3

Hello. I'm looking forward to this long weekend for a lot of work. 

I love Michele & Diane (one n!) & Joe so much! Sometimes I can't believe it & I'm tempted to ask that nagging housewife quesion, "Do you really love me?"

But the reason for this -- I forgot to tell you about the video I saw over break: "I'm having so much fun, my lucky number is one!" Tribute to happy independence!

There's no one here! I can't figure it out -- am I not meeting enough people, do I know too many? Are these different sort of people, am I haning around w/too many intellectuals? (Not to say I don't like it  -- not having a crush, that it, I don't really have any feeling about it.) Have I grown up? Have I left behind strong emotions? Oh! Is this what The Repression did? 

All I know is that this is the Easter After Sean & Mr. Ed that I didn't give anyone a Easter basket or even want to. Maybe I just feel very loved & that has taken the place of a need for something 2 adore.

I am not looking for someone.  

 

April 7

Happy Easter.

It feels like the past couple of weeks my memoriy has been in high gear. I'm spending lots of time remembering whole sections of past. Some of these things I haven't thought about in a long time. Some aren't so nice, some are rather.

I love good stories. Last night, Monica: I took a taxi to Michael's, crawled in his window & I said "Michael, let's run away 2 St. Louis, I've wrecked the car. And he said, "okay, go to sleep for a while and we'll get up & run away 2 St. Louis."

 

April 9

Ooh that pisses me off! Tonya tells a boy sheh doesn't want to sleep w/him. She tells him she's a virgin. "But why?" he asks. BUT WHY?!! 

April 10

Brown -- maybe I should go 2 a gynocologist. None of my periods are the same anymore. 

How about: Nothing could surprise me anymore, except love. 

Wow. I like it! I like it!