Spring, 1985

 

May 4

Oh Ron is getting married! And her name is Nancy, would you call that irony? Shit, I want them to be happy. I am a wretch, but I couldn't help thinking when I found out "wait a minute! How long have you known each other? Aren't you rushing into this?" Why do I think these things when he sounded so happy, when Mom & Dad were so pleased? She's so nice, though, she doesn't deserve to be hurt, to be made miserable. Great, another delicate relationship to be anxious about. (Mom & Dad, praise the Lord, I've never had to worry about over)

Well, it will be a Presbyterian wedding. Poor Nancy -- weddings are the most stressful of all days -- they can be nightmares. All that responsibility. Oh I hope her family are good in PR. Oh I hope it's a small wedding.

I guess I could be very sad because of the fun we had -- Look, I'm crying! -- but remember when Ron pulled me on a rope on skis down the frozen street? Remember ice skating? Remember playing soccer until my green pants were covered with mud? Remember the awful arguments? Remember the drive to look at the used car for sale? Remember fishing at Lake Jacomo? Remember "yeah, I beat the holy piss out of this car"? Remember him coming in my room to turn the channel on the radio -- "listen, this is the best song." 

Yeah, I love him. Yeah, I'll miss him like hell.

May 8

STRESS! But I just think, in a few days it'll all be over & then party time! I'm really looking forward to free time. Core & Theo finals tomorrow -- yeah! they'll be out of the way!

Everyday I look for a letter from Brett and feel relieved when there isn't one. He said he was going home the 4th. Of course it would be a quick twinge of pleasure, feeling cared for, but the freedom is sweeter -- Set me free, dear.

This is what I am going to do: I will be a teacher. I can't reconcile myself with anything else - UNTRUE! Actually, it's what I can reconcile my CGC and my selfness (you know, that girl inside who wants 2B unique & respected & admired, who wants to write books & make movies  & have a husband to have sex w/, a girl fulfilled & happy) with.

Funny, & I used to have such a fear/aversion 2 it. Maybe because now I've loved more professors than hated teachers. And because I wouldn't be doing it for any ego trip, but as an enjoyable job that enables me to live my life. 

But it really boils down to getting rid of the money.

May 14

I'm almost there! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's 4:30 & my research paper is due today. I'll do it. Joe is getting ready to go right now, tonite we said goodbye. It felt like so long. Goodbye 2 Jim, too. Nice. Didn't cry at Joe, talked w/Jim out in twilite, lay w/Joe brushing my hair w/his hand. 

I'm high on caffeine. 

May 21 - Tuesday

Tomorrow Sally and I drive 2 Chicago. Silly me, K.C. 

Today we had a great day in Chicago. We're not communicating as well as we used to, or maybe it's just slow to start -- we did have fun today.

The year is over -- in retrospect, two things -- I've found I can't describe people that have struck me to others, no matter how fascinating or compelling they may be. Grandma Helen, Jeff, Lauren, Ron, just don't come across when I'm trying to translate why they affect me so.

And -- It's a marvel I didn't get more depressed. The week or so when I saw Grandma S. for the last time, then went to her funeral & met & was smacked by Reggie were some of the most awful memories & bam, bam, they all came at once. I remember talking to myself (<--this line was written for Michele to pity me over), comforting myself, a lot, though. Defending myself, rationalizing.

Religious "Degeneration"

 

 April 11

My degeneration: How could it be? I told Tonya: religion is meaning less 2 me, not because I'm thinking it over and rejecting it as unsound but because I just don't think about it. I'm lazy. 

The first things that are going are those parts of the religion that mean the most to me: I haven't gone to Confession when I really believe it has merit and a definite value & yet I'm scrupulously careful not to eat meat during Lent.

? What the hell? (So to speak.)

 

 

April 21

I'm clenching up. Those two C grades really knocked my socks off. Fear. And I stand in my messy room, finding assignments I had forgotten about.

Did I tell you? A week ago tonight, I went to Farley Mass & met Michele after. I cut half her hair and when I couldn't go on, petrified and so sorry, I was amazed she wasn't upset. We went to Shirley's for french fries & then back home. (Mary Perry was in Vegas.) I played all my Rickie Lee Jones for her, we looked at photos, and talked about last year. 

And we read my diary, this book. Michele said it was good, she said it would probably get published, she wanted to get it published after I died. But Misha is always liberal with praise (maybe why she has so many friends, Dianne too -- what is this hostility I feel from people, my imagination? Or do I go around w/a scowl on my face?) This is what happens when the camera on a movie set turns around and films the back of the set, the lights, the crew. I'm acknowledging what I'm doing, or at least trying to do. Transparency.

Later. It seems so obvious 2 me now. Last summer was special, special, special & I don't want to mes up the memories, so I didn't keep in touch with Jeff, Lauren, or Mr. Ed.

And again: It's the cruelest, most unfair line in all music: Ooh sister, love, it's just a kiss away, it's just a kiss away.              Compare that with Bruce & Rickie's realism: You feel real pretty when he's holding you tight. You ain't a beauty but ay you're alright.         Oh, when the music is here with me alone in my room, being lonely in the most beautiful, the best, good aching, sweet, sweet tears. Not cold & bitter & ugly.

April 22

Allen -- why I love to smile when I see him, at him. Because I want to show him he didn't can't take advantage of me. 

Finally finished a letter 2 Brett, then opened the envelope again to add some more. I sent it off in a cloud of doubt? unsureness? trailing things I could, should have said. Bad, bad, bad, his letters breed hope, that sick, crippled, twisted, ugly little beast.

Remembering Prom, the 27th. Oh Greg. I'm not over him. He can still make me smile and make me angry with the injustice of it all so much. 

April 27

Oh what a great time. An Tostal has been great. Yesterday, Friday, there were bands on the quad, the Dating Game & comics & loudmouth contests after classes, then a French dinner & a concert (more people on stage than in the audience.) Recess turned into a wild frenzied orgy, then we danced on the quad to the Lav and then to Joe's for Snapps & Koolaid & videos.

This morning I was going to study but when I got to the picnic, I couldn't so Diane & Joe & I ran into the mud pits. People were stopping cars & putting mud all over them & pulling people out & throwing them in. We washed off in the lake and after I showered at Diane's, I drove to the mall for a perm. Tonight was a comedy show.

My legs are scraped up, my cheeks are sunburned.

 

May 2

Jim & I went to the Morris Inn for dinner tonight. I had such a great time, we were there for a couple of hours. Taking was easy. And I didn't mind anything -- I didn't care what anyone thought about what we were talking about or using the wrong silverware and plates. Who cares? I smiled, driving home and singing, content.